Once, i wanted to believe you were mine. We exchanged glances, we had a cause and effect, you and i. Every action of mine received a go to response from you. I played the game as good as any, although secretly, i liked to believe i was different. I told myself that by being above it all i'd never get hurt. By acting like i didn't care, by treating it like it was nothing more than a physical affair, it became just that. Meaningless. To you, it was all fun and games. To me, it was anything but. You didn't question more than you had to and anxious to not know, i kept quiet about the turmoil within, not too far beneath the surface. You had more of an impact on me emotionally than anymore i've ever met. I always thought we'd have more time. I should have known your affections and your attentions were fleeting from the beginning. You were once all i had.
From the beginning, i disillusioned myself that we had a bond - it was a twisted idea of mine. What we had were extremes. Disbelief that you ever chose me. But then you didn't really, did you? We were never friends, something so simple. Our lack of ability to communicate was at the heart of it all. Everything we had jumped past as we rushed to get our need out of the way, crashed back into us. Neither knew how to navigate how much to care about the other or, more importantly, how much vulnerability to reveal.
We were never in any facebook-worthy-relationships, never anything respectable - but make no mistake that it hurt any less. It was definitely hard to remember that when you sped past me a month later and took another girl into your bed. I should never have spoken with you as if everything was okay. As if we were strangers, and we hadn't seen each other naked. I'd never spent nights in your room. We'd never hung out, just you and me. I never knew you. You never knew me, never as much as you thought you did at least. You pretended like it mattered, like i mattered. I should have asked with all my being, should have made it clear. What i felt, what i wanted. I should have found out where i stood with you. That's the biggest regret i have with you. I never showed the slightest interest on the outside or pursued finding out why you didn't want me.
I assume that i would be in your proximity long enough - i was content in my fascination with you - that i wouldn't mind. You were the only one i wanted. I held you so much above other boys. Why? Why did i pretend that you were different or that i was different? I wanted to think your texts, your smiles, your gestures meant more. When your facade was lowered, i refused to see you for you. I blocked it out of memory, excusing it as some temporary misfire. Those hissing and shouting from the sidelines - i didn't heed them - they didn't know - they couldn't grasp what i was feeling with you, what you made me feel when i was in your arms. When i was the object of your affections.
When it ended, and a painful end it was - i found myself in tears almost everyday; i would blast songs that reminded me of you knowing all the while that something was scrambled and aching deep inside. More times than not, i wanted to just leave. Leave your proximity. I avoided you, i isolated myself from my friends. I blamed myself, tortured myself with the thoughts that if i had done something differently you would still be texting me every night. I wrote over and over in anger, in hate i wished i felt that i was over you, that i never wanted to see your face and that i would stop caring. I tried desperately - anything. In turn, my bitterness was mistaken for hate by others. But i still would have done anything to e in your good graces. I was still in disillusioned into thinking that weekends held potential - that you'd be mine for one more night. I never told you. I liked to believe i was confrontational but whenever there was opportunity - i pushed it back down afraid of what i might find out if i dug too deep.
Yet not even a few weeks later, i pushed my holidays resolution against you to the side in five seconds. If even, i would give up anything for you. My dignity. My self respect. My body's self worth - if you just said the word, i would be yours. Even after i found out the worst about you, you were irresistible to me. I wanted you more than i'd ever wanted anything. And that never stopped. I cared about you more than you'll ever know. And when your smile alighted on me, i smiled back as if everything was okay. As if you hadn't brushed past me after you promised to change, promised to treat me better, promised to make an effort to be a better boyfriend. I should have known better. What made her different? What set us apart? Was i already tainted for you? Was she a way to escape from me, your slew of mistakes and the destruction you wanted to leave behind? I would never know.
You made my blood rush, my head pound, my stomach go numb. No one else did that for me, to me. I wanted you to be wrapped up in me. I wanted to end every night with you by my side. I wanted to discover you. You were fascinating. I never understood how you ticked. And that irked me to my core. I pretended i always wanted nothing - really. I think i wanted proximity to try to figure you out. You were always this above-earth thing in my head. Something i wrote about and thought above that ingrained you and made you something of a legend in my mind. You'd leave me breathless when i would see you across a room. My heart would melt at your smile - that you never hesitated to shine at me. In your bed, we were alone together but we were never together alone. I wasn't resentful you took my innocence, although i cry for the lost innocent girl that once was, who knew nothing.
And now, i could never go back to that naive, ignorant mindset i once shamelessly carried around. I've grown up. What it felt like, what you felt like. It kept something alive in me. It made me feel. Even the heartbreak, the pain, my shattered mind. Any semblance to me that you cared was only half-formed, half-carried through. I would always over-analyze, over-think what you meant - trying to make it seem more than it was. I remember once we stood side by side, never greeted each other, never exchanged a word and it stuck with me all day.
The thing is, i tried. Not as hard as i should have. But my apathy towards appearing vulnerable and desperate steered me clear from acting on instinct. You were once my one and only, and still. You were my darkest corner and my highest high. You were all in my head. The mind of a innocent girl who never knew any different - who was blinded with how much you appeared, never truly looking back to see how much you weren't.
No comments:
Post a Comment