4th August 2014

It's the second day since i've blocked you. I haven't stalked you since then but i hope you're still happy; well of course you do who am i kidding ha. And i hope i could stop stalking you. I'm quitting smoking and i'm trying to stop myself from self harming. I want to get better. I know you will never see this, but that's not the point; 19 days clean.

3 months, it's been 3 months since you left. And throughout this 3 months, you've never left my mind. I still constantly checkup on you , missing you, wanting you back. It's you, it's been you for the past 268 days. It's you at 2 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon. It's you when i'm sleeping and studying and working and eating and laughing. You are everywhere and you are everything. But this is it, i'm not gonna hurt myself anymore. I wanna recover, i wanna go back to my old self. To someone whose always cheerful and smiling. 

We gone through a lot of obstacles and objection, it's a though path but we still built up our relationship. I've thought about how many people object out relationship, and how we said we wanna show them we can. The times when you promise me so many things and made me feel that this could be my last. Where we lay beside each other in your small bed talking about our past and what we are gonna do in the future, and how we ended up like this.

To think about it, we had more downs rather than ups. And maybe that's the reason why you wanted to leave. I'm sorry i can never be a good girlfriend.

I remembered the first time we saw each other was the time outside allure where you were with xueling and the first time we talked was outside hougang mall where you were doing the ten dollar charity. I remember the conversation we had, you went like '十块钱帮助小孩' and i was 'oh i work this before' then you smiled and said 'no la, actually i want your number' then i gave you the what the fuck face and you laughed and say just kidding bye and walked away. Do you remember? It was so funny like haha you got rejected.

The time where we officially knew each other was along the clarke quay road remember? That night i was tipsy and i saw you i hook on you and don't let you go mink, and we ended up talking and taking selfies and then i still fetch you home, it was on the 20th of october 2013. From then on we started talking through twitter dm; and that's where everything starts .........................

We got together on the ninth of november 2013, not a long time after we knew each other i know, but things got too hard and fast that's why. (Why do i feel like i'm writing a story LOL.) We were fine at first but slowly after you went in army, insecurities kicked in follow by all sorts of bullshits people caused. Quarrels and quarrels occurred day by day and we always say "break up" like our relationship is a game and is meant nothing and that's what hurt the most.

They said 'BMT is the toughest part during army life' and yes, i went through your bmt life with you. Styaing by your side encouraging you not to give up and everything. Yet you left me like i was nothing. You blame me for being insecure, for always being paranoid. You blame me, because i love you so much and i don't wanna lose you.

March 16 2014, the first time we broke up.

I told myself, third time you say break up, i'm leaving. Yet i stayed because i don't wanna lose someone so dear to me. But still we broke up. And it's funny how when we're not together, we're still quarreling. Not once, nor twice, it's like countless time.

I went to work night life to get you off my mind. But my life just seems so fucking empty without you. And no matter how tight my schedule is, at the end of the day when i'm on my bed, you still appear in my mind and my life just crash like that. 

And then you said how much you still me, wishing i was there. I guess i'm just stupid to look for you and grant your wish on that. So one fine day i went up your house remember? We talked things out and got back together, i don't know what gave me the courage to do so but fuck it, i did it. 

So on the 6 of april 2014; we got back together and like the past. I opened my heart back you. We were really sweet and loving. No quarrels because we tried to endure each other until one fine day ............ you left again.

I would never forget all those promises you made to me. I would never forget those words, each and every word you said to me. I would never forget those feelings and touches. I would never forget how you lied to me. I would never forget how you cheated on me. I will never forget those good times we had, those laughter and love we shared, i will also never forget those hurt we caused each other, those hurt you caused me, those long quarrel message. Everything will always be on my mind, till the day i die.

And after we broke up, i've picked up the blades,, again. They are screaming for me. And this time, it got worst. I got worst. I told myself, what's the point. You left, and definitely not coming back anymore. You broke your promise, so i guess it's alright to break mind too. You took my everything and i'm left with nothing so what's the point. The pain was bearable, because no matter how painful it was, it couldn't be compared to the pain i felt in my heart. I don't know how long i've cried, or how much tears i've tears, but all i know is, i've cried. Because i've lost you. 

And then, i started fucking things up. I don't give a damn to anyone. But after a few days; i thought that it's none of their fault. They shouldn't receive these thing's by me because it's not them whom i become like this. So i hide myself, i pretend, i act like i was fine. That i was over you, that i'm happy. I hide my scars, and my tears. I hide my feelings. Everything.

Sometimes i want you back, sometimes i don't. Letting my walls down for you was my mistake. I pushed so many people away because of you, i lose all my friends just to be with you. I was there throughout your toughest time, yet everything i do means nothing to you. I wouldn't blame you for what i've become, because it was my choice to believe you. It was my choice to love you, even when i know you were cheating on me. I was hurting so badly the whole time, you knew it, yet you don't give a damn about it. But it's okay, because i'm getting back on my feet.

Five more days and it would be the ninth again. There's still so much more to say, but i guess i shall just stop here because there's not a need anymore. It's august already, i shall try my best. But i remember at the very last minute of july, i was praying, i don't know why but i was praying for your return, for your message. But none of them comes, and the clock strike 12; so it's goodbye stsy.