i'm sorry i'm not good enough for you.

4th August 2014

It's the second day since i've blocked you. I haven't stalked you since then but i hope you're still happy; well of course you do who am i kidding ha. And i hope i could stop stalking you. I'm quitting smoking and i'm trying to stop myself from self harming. I want to get better. I know you will never see this, but that's not the point; 19 days clean.

3 months, it's been 3 months since you left. And throughout this 3 months, you've never left my mind. I still constantly checkup on you , missing you, wanting you back. It's you, it's been you for the past 268 days. It's you at 2 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon. It's you when i'm sleeping and studying and working and eating and laughing. You are everywhere and you are everything. But this is it, i'm not gonna hurt myself anymore. I wanna recover, i wanna go back to my old self. To someone whose always cheerful and smiling. 

We gone through a lot of obstacles and objection, it's a though path but we still built up our relationship. I've thought about how many people object out relationship, and how we said we wanna show them we can. The times when you promise me so many things and made me feel that this could be my last. Where we lay beside each other in your small bed talking about our past and what we are gonna do in the future, and how we ended up like this.

To think about it, we had more downs rather than ups. And maybe that's the reason why you wanted to leave. I'm sorry i can never be a good girlfriend.

I remembered the first time we saw each other was the time outside allure where you were with xueling and the first time we talked was outside hougang mall where you were doing the ten dollar charity. I remember the conversation we had, you went like '十块钱帮助小孩' and i was 'oh i work this before' then you smiled and said 'no la, actually i want your number' then i gave you the what the fuck face and you laughed and say just kidding bye and walked away. Do you remember? It was so funny like haha you got rejected.

The time where we officially knew each other was along the clarke quay road remember? That night i was tipsy and i saw you i hook on you and don't let you go mink, and we ended up talking and taking selfies and then i still fetch you home, it was on the 20th of october 2013. From then on we started talking through twitter dm; and that's where everything starts .........................

We got together on the ninth of november 2013, not a long time after we knew each other i know, but things got too hard and fast that's why. (Why do i feel like i'm writing a story LOL.) We were fine at first but slowly after you went in army, insecurities kicked in follow by all sorts of bullshits people caused. Quarrels and quarrels occurred day by day and we always say "break up" like our relationship is a game and is meant nothing and that's what hurt the most.

They said 'BMT is the toughest part during army life' and yes, i went through your bmt life with you. Styaing by your side encouraging you not to give up and everything. Yet you left me like i was nothing. You blame me for being insecure, for always being paranoid. You blame me, because i love you so much and i don't wanna lose you.

March 16 2014, the first time we broke up.

I told myself, third time you say break up, i'm leaving. Yet i stayed because i don't wanna lose someone so dear to me. But still we broke up. And it's funny how when we're not together, we're still quarreling. Not once, nor twice, it's like countless time.

I went to work night life to get you off my mind. But my life just seems so fucking empty without you. And no matter how tight my schedule is, at the end of the day when i'm on my bed, you still appear in my mind and my life just crash like that. 

And then you said how much you still me, wishing i was there. I guess i'm just stupid to look for you and grant your wish on that. So one fine day i went up your house remember? We talked things out and got back together, i don't know what gave me the courage to do so but fuck it, i did it. 

So on the 6 of april 2014; we got back together and like the past. I opened my heart back you. We were really sweet and loving. No quarrels because we tried to endure each other until one fine day ............ you left again.

I would never forget all those promises you made to me. I would never forget those words, each and every word you said to me. I would never forget those feelings and touches. I would never forget how you lied to me. I would never forget how you cheated on me. I will never forget those good times we had, those laughter and love we shared, i will also never forget those hurt we caused each other, those hurt you caused me, those long quarrel message. Everything will always be on my mind, till the day i die.

And after we broke up, i've picked up the blades,, again. They are screaming for me. And this time, it got worst. I got worst. I told myself, what's the point. You left, and definitely not coming back anymore. You broke your promise, so i guess it's alright to break mind too. You took my everything and i'm left with nothing so what's the point. The pain was bearable, because no matter how painful it was, it couldn't be compared to the pain i felt in my heart. I don't know how long i've cried, or how much tears i've tears, but all i know is, i've cried. Because i've lost you. 

And then, i started fucking things up. I don't give a damn to anyone. But after a few days; i thought that it's none of their fault. They shouldn't receive these thing's by me because it's not them whom i become like this. So i hide myself, i pretend, i act like i was fine. That i was over you, that i'm happy. I hide my scars, and my tears. I hide my feelings. Everything.

Sometimes i want you back, sometimes i don't. Letting my walls down for you was my mistake. I pushed so many people away because of you, i lose all my friends just to be with you. I was there throughout your toughest time, yet everything i do means nothing to you. I wouldn't blame you for what i've become, because it was my choice to believe you. It was my choice to love you, even when i know you were cheating on me. I was hurting so badly the whole time, you knew it, yet you don't give a damn about it. But it's okay, because i'm getting back on my feet.

Five more days and it would be the ninth again. There's still so much more to say, but i guess i shall just stop here because there's not a need anymore. It's august already, i shall try my best. But i remember at the very last minute of july, i was praying, i don't know why but i was praying for your return, for your message. But none of them comes, and the clock strike 12; so it's goodbye stsy.

6 of June 2014 // A day with my beloved.

Long story cut short; i rather choose a night cycling with someone i care and love than going to party and get wasted. Well even though it has been almost a month since i last party, and yes i miss partying a lot like really a lot. But i would still choose a simple night like cycling around with someone i care. Oh even though i fall down and have ugly bruises and scars now ....... i still had fun with that bitch ^_^ so yup short short post for now cause i really have nothing to say. Kinda feel like dying now, oh well. 

"my hand is already ugly enough, now even my leg is ugly. it's okay, i'll just be ugly because i am. whatever."

why does it hurt so much?

Once, i wanted to believe you were mine. We exchanged glances, we had a cause and effect, you and i. Every action of mine received a go to response from you. I played the game as good as any, although secretly, i liked to believe i was different. I told myself that by being above it all i'd never get hurt. By acting like i didn't care, by treating it like it was nothing more than a physical affair, it became just that. Meaningless. To you, it was all fun and games. To me, it was anything but. You didn't question more than you had to and anxious to not know, i kept quiet about the turmoil within, not too far beneath the surface. You had more of an impact on me emotionally than anymore i've ever met. I always thought we'd have more time. I should have known your affections and your attentions were fleeting from the beginning. You were once all i had.

From the beginning, i disillusioned myself that we had a bond - it was a twisted idea of mine. What we had were extremes. Disbelief that you ever chose me. But then you didn't really, did you? We were never friends, something so simple. Our lack of ability to communicate was at the heart of it all. Everything we had jumped past as we rushed to get our need out of the way, crashed back into us. Neither knew how to navigate how much to care about the other or, more importantly, how much vulnerability to reveal.

We were never in any facebook-worthy-relationships, never anything respectable - but make no mistake that it hurt any less. It was definitely hard to remember that when you sped past me a month later and took another girl into your bed. I should never have spoken with you as if everything was okay. As if we were strangers, and we hadn't seen each other naked. I'd never spent nights in your room. We'd never hung out, just you and me. I never knew you. You never knew me, never as much as you thought you did at least. You pretended like it mattered, like i mattered. I should have asked with all my being, should have made it clear. What i felt, what i wanted. I should have found out where i stood with you. That's the biggest regret i have with you. I never showed the slightest interest on the outside or pursued finding out why you didn't want me.

I assume that i would be in your proximity long enough - i was content in my fascination with you - that i wouldn't mind. You were the only one i wanted. I held you so much above other boys. Why? Why did i pretend that you were different or that i was different? I wanted to think your texts, your smiles, your gestures meant more. When your facade was lowered, i refused to see you for you. I blocked it out of memory, excusing it as some temporary misfire. Those hissing and shouting from the sidelines - i didn't heed them - they didn't know - they couldn't grasp what i was feeling with you, what you made me feel when i was in your arms. When i was the object of your affections.

When it ended, and a painful end it was - i found myself in tears almost everyday; i would blast songs that reminded me of you knowing all the while that something was scrambled and aching deep inside. More times than not, i wanted to just leave. Leave your proximity. I avoided you, i isolated myself from my friends. I blamed myself, tortured myself with the thoughts that if i had done something differently you would still be texting me every night. I wrote over and over in anger, in hate i wished i felt that i was over you, that i never wanted to see your face and that i would stop caring. I tried desperately - anything. In turn, my bitterness was mistaken for hate by others. But i still would have done anything to e in your good graces. I was still in disillusioned into thinking that weekends held potential - that you'd be mine for one more night. I never told you. I liked to believe i was confrontational but whenever there was opportunity - i pushed it back down afraid of what i might find out if i dug too deep.

Yet not even a few weeks later, i pushed my holidays resolution against you to the side in five seconds. If even, i would give up anything for you. My dignity. My self respect. My body's self worth - if you just said the word, i would be yours. Even after i found out the worst about you, you were irresistible to me. I wanted you more than i'd ever wanted anything. And that never stopped. I cared about you more than you'll ever know. And when your smile alighted on me, i smiled back as if everything was okay. As if you hadn't brushed past me after you promised to change, promised to treat me better, promised to make an effort to be a better boyfriend. I should have known better. What made her different? What set us apart? Was i already tainted for you? Was she a way to escape from me, your slew of mistakes and the destruction you wanted to leave behind? I would never know.

You made my blood rush, my head pound, my stomach go numb. No one else did that for me, to me. I wanted you to be wrapped up in me. I wanted to end every night with you by my side. I wanted to discover you. You were fascinating. I never understood how you ticked. And that irked me to my core. I pretended i always wanted nothing - really. I think i wanted proximity to try to figure you out. You were always this above-earth thing in my head. Something i wrote about and thought above that ingrained you and made you something of a legend in my mind. You'd leave me breathless when i would see you across a room. My heart would melt at your smile - that you never hesitated to shine at me. In your bed, we were alone together but we were never together alone. I wasn't resentful you took my innocence, although i cry for the lost innocent girl that once was, who knew nothing.

And now, i could never go back to that naive, ignorant mindset i once shamelessly carried around. I've grown up. What it felt like, what you felt like. It kept something alive in me. It made me feel. Even the heartbreak, the pain, my shattered mind. Any semblance to me that you cared was only half-formed, half-carried through. I would always over-analyze, over-think what you meant - trying to make it seem more than it was. I remember once we stood side by side, never greeted each other, never exchanged a word and it stuck with me all day.

The thing is, i tried. Not as hard as i should have. But my apathy towards appearing vulnerable and desperate steered me clear from acting on instinct. You were once my one and only, and still. You were my darkest corner and my highest high. You were all in my head. The mind of a innocent girl who never knew any different - who was blinded with how much you appeared, never truly looking back to see how much you weren't.

29/5/14;

i've met many new friends today. and they're all above 20. the feeling of having friend age over 20 is actually quite a cool thing. their mindsets are all so mature yet actions are so childish. i don't really know how to explain it but it's like, it feels good when hanging around with them. like, you can learn about alot alot of things you don't know. you can think more far away and more maturely i guess? well at first it was awkward, everyone's not talking to me. i think it's because the scars on my hand. i'm sorry, i tried my best to cover ..... but after shooting everyone got closer and talk to each other or maybe me. we really talked about alot of things, like life. i actually like that feeling, alot. making new friends that are way older than me and they can teach me so much thing i never know about life. well, i can say today is a happy day for me. even though yesterday wasn't. oh well, sad things aside. here's half of a group photo ;) oh and i forgot to mention, they are all so tall and skinny and pretty with perfect face complexion and body and omg i dont even know how to say this, i probably look like a piece of shit when beside them. or maybe just a potato. lol ok bye.