A girl like me;

I will never be the girl you will fall in love with, because I ain't a good entertainer, I'm not a good listener and adviser, im boring, im contradicting, I'm ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside, I've tons of flaws, I've tons of things and secret I hide within me, I always keep things to myself basically because I can't really expressed them out and I don't know how to. I'm annoying and irritating, I'm insecure, i am really sensitive, i over think stuffs alot, I'm the stupidest of the stupidest, I get paranoid easily, I pms alot, I worry too much, I've got a very bad and fucked up attitude, I always screw things up, I'm a slut, I suck. 

Now you've got a thousand reasons for not being in love with me, staying together with me, would you still choose to stay? 

I always say how envy I am when I saw sweet couples, but I don't really wanna to get into a relationship because I haven't had enough fun. But sometimes I will still miss the feeling of being attached, being truly loved by someone, cared by someone, cuddling together in a cold weather, having cute conversation together. How they would ask you to sleep early, talk to you no matter how tired they are, and while heading to bed they'll ask you to cover blanket, say how much they miss you and would like to see you and how much they actually truly love you. 

And here comes the "sweet talk". It's always like this. I truly know that sweet talk is just bullshit, we hear them, we ignore them. Sweet talks just sucks, cause some times you don't know the person is truly love you or just bullshitting, first thought you would choose to say its bullshit, but as times goes by you would thought "hey that actually ain't any bullshit, I guess I was just over thinking" then here comes the fucked up part, they will be like "hah you stupid asshole, you finally believed what I said. And now I'm gonna let you regret about it, I'm gonna hurt you and leave you, and you'll be there clinging on to me. Hah such an idiot" so reality is damn cruel, people are changing so quickly and you don't know who to trust and what to listen anymore. 

Yeah, reality. It's a really scary thing. As time passes, people grow up. Things changing too, and you don't know who to trust anymore. Life is like an act, people around you are always acting. Every minute every second. You don't know whether they are true or false. You don't know to believe them or not.

I always fall in love with a wrong guy, a guy that won't love me back. That feeling, you know? It's like, you totally know that he isn't good, you know that he's a total jerk and you know that he doesn't love you. But your heart still stupidly fall for him when your mind is screaming no. And the worst part is? You fall and he isn't there to catch you, but you still have to act like everything's fine, that it doesn't matters you at all, act like you don't love him when you ownself know that it hurts alot. More than what others think. So why making me falling in love with you, when you already decide not to be there and catch me? 

Sometimes, you just can't let go of what's making you sad. Because that is also what makes you happy // no matter how hard you've tried, it's still not working. At the day, I can seem really happy and smiling and laughing like everything is so perfect and fine, but when the night comes, everything changes. You know why some people stops checking under their bed for monster? Because they know that the monsters stay within them and the monsters inside me would always crawl out and make it seems like everything is going from bad to worst. Dark and scary thoughts, making me feel like I totally don't belong in this world. Like I'm better off dead. It's really tiring for fighting with these monsters every single night. At some point of the time, I just feel like giving up. Cause whatever I do, I still won't be able to win them. Why fight a battle when you know you wouldn't win? 

Keeping every single thoughts within me, the feeling just totally suck. And it's like, you got totally no one to talk to about it. Because you know clearly that no one would even understand how you feel, they might not even care. Some will be like "oh yaya, I know how you feel, don't worry I'll always be here" and you'll went like "no you know nothing, everyone says that they'll be here when I need them, when I'm down. But where the fuck are all of you?" Nobody would actually wanna care, they might just listen and judge about you. Or maybe they are just being a busy body wanting to know everything about it. I don't know, like I really wanna say it all out to someone, but no I dont wanna get judge for what I'm thinking, I don't wanna get judge for how I feel. I don't want. 

Fears , every one has fears . 

Atelophobia ; Monophobia ; Athazagoraphobia ; Pistanthrophobia . 

Okay I shall end here with a face of mine;