i can't help it, i hate this. i hate this feeling that i'm feeling. i hate what i'm thinking. i hate all of this. it's so hard to get through this. it's so, so hard to put that smile on my face and pretend that i'm okay when everything around me is pulling me down. i don't know how long i can do this, i don't know how long i can resist, i don't know. the temptation is too high, the demons inside of me is too strong. i can't do this alone, i can't fight them. i'm tired, i don't wanna face all this anymore. but i can't break down, i can't show them my weakness, i can't. 

who am i? what am i? i no longer know. i've changed, into someone i don't recognize. feels like this moment, i'm happy. the next, i'm dead. like i'm all a cheerful and happy girl when in front of them, yet a girl that can't even control her own thoughts behind closed doors. what happened? why is all this happening to me? why do i have to face all this alone? where are those people who said that they will be here? why are they judging me instead of making me feel okay? 

i'm sorry, this is the only way. i can't help it.......