ninth's;

i tried my best. i gave myself a chance. i did everything i could. i'm sorry it's my fault. i'm sorry i always think alot and make myself paranoid and feel sad. i'm sorry but it's all because i don't wanna lose you. and now that i've lost you, i'm left with nothing. i don't know what to do anymore. i just want you back. but i know it's totally impossible, so the only way; is to let you go. 

it's so hard, it's so hard to let go of someone you truly love. it's so hard to let go of someone who means the entire world to you. it's so hard to let go of someone who you gave your everything to. it's so hard to let go of you. 

the only thing i can do, is to pretend that i've let go of you. on social media, in front of my friends and your friends, in front of my family, in front of everybody. I've kept away all our picture, our movie tickets, our memories. but nothing is working, you are on my mind whole day everyday. i still miss you. i still love you. and i still can't stop myself from crying every night when i look back at our pictures, our conversation, thinking of how good you were to me in the past, how much i thought you love me. it's my fault, everything is my fault. 

twice. i got fooled by you twice. i'm this stupid right? i always tell myself, if you love me you would come chasing for me when i leave. if you love me you wouldn't walk away, and if you truly love me, you would go through all the obstacles together with me. but i was wrong, you didn't pull me back when i decided to leave. you didn't intend to stay with me and go through thick and thin with me, you walked away. you walk away on two times, yet i'm still such a fool loving you always. i gave up on my ego, my pride, my face. i asked you back for the third time, you rejected me. i just simply throw a girl face don't i? ha. 

four days ago was our 6th month. remember we said we would go and ink something together? and we would go have picnic together, watch movie? i gave myself a chance, i gave you a chance. i expect you to talk to me or ask me back. i'm just so silly. it got worse. and from that day on, i said to myself that i must forget you. 

i tried so hard. but why must you come back talking to me, and leave me hanging again? this feeling really suck so bad. i thought you were always saying, "走了就别再回头" why, why do you have to turn back and talk to me and turn walk away again? it hurts so bad. 

people are asking me, "if there's another chance for you to be back together with him, would you?" i wonder people, i really wonder. yes i can say out loud that i still love him, alot. more than all of you can imagine. but would i risk this kind of pain again? i really don't know. i can't take this pain any longer, i might die because of this. i can die. 

so please, stsy; i miss you. but if you don't intend to come back and stay forever, don't come back. i can't handle this pain alone. i beg you. don't come back anymore if you don't wanna be faithful. don't come back anymore if you don't love me. you know i'm stupid, stop fooling me around please. but still you know, i hope one day when others say your name infront of me, or when i see your face, i would feel nothing at all. because this pain is killing me, really. isly stsy.